Humorous Movies

is there any funny and clean flash movies? does anybody know of any sites with funny flash parodies? like Mario Zelda Pokemon Sonic Lord of the rings just random parodies that are clean humor, profanity free, and with no pop up adds? or no adds at all if possible if you do please tell me will someone please give me a direct hyperlink?

I want to make stupid cartoon movies using flash, is there a free flash movie maker program? I can download? they will be stupid, but funny to me .. I love you

List as much word as you possibly can? Please seperate each word by a comma. Thanks. ie. earphone,earphones,activism,advertising,alcohol,alternative-news,ancient-history,animals,animation,anime,architecture,arts,astronomy,atheist,bizarre,blogs,books,buddhism,business,cars,cartoons,cats,celebrities,christianity,classic-rock,clothing,comedy-movies,comics,computer-graphics,computer-hardware,computers,cooking,crafts,crime,cyberculture,dogs,drawing,drugs,ecommerce,environment,fashion,fine-arts,firefox,geography,graphic-design,guitar,guns,hacking,health,history,humor,illusions,interior-design,internet,internet-tools,iraq,liberal-politics,liberties,linguistics,linux,literature,mac-os,mathematics,movies,multimedia,music,nature,network-security,news,online-games,open-source,painting,philosophy,photography,physics,poetry,politics,programming,psychology,quizzes,relationships,religion,satire,science,science-fiction,self-improvement,shopping,software,space-exploration,stumblers,stumbleupon,tattoos,travel,video,video-games,web-design,windows,writing,actors,america,apple,art,aviation,blog,blogging,bush,california,car,cartoon,cat,celebrity,charity,children,climate-change,college,comedy,comic,community,dance,death,debate,design,diet,diy,dog,economy,election,elections,energy,entertainment,exercise,facebook,film,finance,flash,flowers,food,football,funny,gadgets,game,games,gaming,global-warming,god,google,graffiti,green,home,humour,illustration,images,internet-marketing,life,living,love,mac,marriage,math,media,medicine,microsoft,money,music-video,obama,oil,online,paintings,pakistan,peace,photo,photos,photoshop,pictures,pirates,president,quotes,recipe,recipes,republican,rock,sculpture,security,social-media,social-networking,society,space,star-wars,tech,technology,television,tips,tools,tutorials,ubuntu,vegan,video,videos,vintage,war,water,web,web-development,weird,wordpress,youtube,sex,sexy,hot,love,porn,president,2008,2009,winter,secret,omg,no,way,amplafitesttag,art,arts,bank,barackobama,bisexual,blues,broadway,business,canvass,children,classical,college,comedy,community,communityservice,concert,conference,convention,country,county,dance,debatewatchparty,design,development,drive,election,election08,entrepreneur,event,events,fair,family,festival,field,filmfest,florida,football,for,free,fun,fundraising,halloween,haunted,indie,iowavoteearlyforchangeweekofac,jazz,kids,league,live,local,localfieldoffice,london,management,marketing,media,meeting,music,musicals,mybo,national,networking,new,nfl,nyc,obama,office,organizing,party,performance,phone,phonebank,pop,pride,prideevent,pridefest,registration,rock,service,show,shows,social,sport,sports,startup,technology,theater,tour,voter,voterregistrationdrive,web,western,women,women for obama,workshop,free,money,cash,movie,download,wheels fast **** death kill almost element mike valley chad muska rodney mullen tony hawk transworld magazine ea game xbox360 pressure flip late fs shuvit ; siyoun spin ; fs varial heel-side pressure 1/2 flip late front foot 1/2 heelflip ; 360 flip ; 360 hospital flip ; no-comply impossible late flip ; bs 180 nollie back foot impossible ; nollie pressure 1/2 flip late back foot 1/2 flip bs body varial ; pressure flip late flip ; switch chef salad ; nollie fs shuvit underflip varial ; switch front foot impossible ; front foot impossible late shuvit ; switch 360 kiwi flip to pivot ; plasma spin revert ; fs varial heel-side pressure 1/2 flip late front foot 1/2 flip ; late back foot varial flip ; lala flip ; varial 1/2 kickflip late fs varial front foot 1/2 flip ; 1/2 heelflip late back foot 1/2 flip bs body varial ; nollie pressure 1/2 flip late varial back foot 1/2 flip ; no-comply 360 flip late back foot underflip ; nollie 540 kiwi flip ; fakie big spin underflip ; fakie fs varial heel-side pressure flip to pivot ; tinky-winky ; pressure 1/2 flip late front foot 1/2 flip fs body varial ; switch pressure 1/2 flip late front foot 1/2 flip fs body varial ; switch pop shove-it late flip fs body varial ; nollie shove-it late varial flip ; nollie fs shove-it late varial heelflip ; featherflip ; fs shuvit underflip ; fs impossible ; heelflip late bs shuvit ; nollie pop shove-it late fs shuvit ; switch plasma spin ; fs shuvit late flip ; switch late fs shuvit ; pop shove-it late fs shove-it ; switch 1/2 heel-side pressure flip late big spin nosecasperflip ; fakie fs varial heel-side pressure flip revert ; fs varial front foot underflip ; 1/2 heelflip late front foot 1/2 flip ; switch impossible revert ; nollie back foot impossible ; fs 180 front foot impossible ; nollie late flip ; nollie big spin late flip ; fakie big spin late flip ; nollie fs shuvit late flip ; bs heelflip to pivot ; switch 360 underflip fs body varial ; late flip ; fs 180 heel-side pressure flip ; nollie plasma spin ; plasma spin ; bs 360 nollie heelflip ; varial 1/2 kickflip late front foot 1/2 flip,car,boy,cold,socks,cell phone,bed,store,candy,book,school,locker,cereal,speaker,painting,computer,e-mail,grass,message,keyboard,knights,shield

I need a idea for a movie im going to make? I want to make a flash movie(animation) but just can't think of any thing to make it over about. I want a good funny idea! have any sources of where I could download a funny song for free? It will be kind of hard for me to get voices in good quality. anyone have any funny ideas that i could make?... and stuff

illuminati and free masonry? Not that you could change my mind as to weather or not the illuminate and secret societies exist, but I would like those opposing the subject to show, tell, and give us proof that it does not Exist. In all that I have seen, read, and heard, people who deny it have very little to say. For what reason would anyone lie about the government; to turn us against the law? News flash!; people already break the law all day, every day.. it wouldn't matter what we believed.. they are in control.: look up hip hop and free masonry, the Obama deception, illuminati, Tupac and the illuminati; mind control is a powerful thing.. movies such as shutter island and inception are just a glimpse on how humans can be controlled with their mind.. show me the proof the illuminati doesn't exist.. its funny how all these different people( jay Z, beyonce, kanye, aaliyah, NAS, prodigy, solja boy, and numerous other artists are throwing up the pyramid of the all seeing eye); never saw Tupac doing such things, listen to his music; a song he made I the early 90's talks about getting away from computer chips.."niggaz don't give a fuck about us".. but he Supposely got shot and killed in the middle of LAS VEGAS after a MIKE TYSON fight.. no witnesses.. Lmao. Proof they don't exist, that is all I ask for. Search all these things on youtube.. the truth is there..

I Need Useless Tags for a Video Related to UFOs, anybody have any? You know what i mean? activism, advertising, alcohol, alternative-news, ancient-history, animals, animation, anime, architecture, arts, astronomy, atheist, bizarre, blogs, books, buddhism, business, cars, cartoons, cats, celebrities, christianity, classic-rock, clothing, comedy-movies, comics, computer-graphics, computer-hardware, computers, cooking, crafts, crime, cyberculture, dogs, drawing, drugs, ecommerce, environment, fashion, fine-arts, firefox, geography, graphic-design, guitar, guns, hacking, health, history, humor, illusions, interior-design, internet, internet-tools, iraq, liberal-politics, liberties, linguistics, linux, literature, mac-os, mathematics, movies, multimedia, music, nature, network-security, news, online-games, open-source, painting, philosophy, photography, physics, poetry, politics, programming, psychology, quizzes, relationships, religion, satire, science, science-fiction, self-improvement, shopping, software, space-exploration, stumblers, stumbleupon, tattoos, travel, tv, video, video-games, web-design, windows, writing, actors, america, apple, art, aviation, blog, blogging, bush, california, car, cartoon, cat, celebrity, charity, children, climate-change, college, comedy, comic, community, dance, death, debate, design, diet, diy, dog, economy, election, elections, energy, entertainment, exercise, facebook, film, finance, flash, flowers, food, football, funny, gadgets, game, games, gaming, global-warming, god, google, graffiti, green, home, humour, illustration, images, internet-marketing, life, living, love, mac, marriage, math, media, medicine, microsoft, money, music-video, obama, oil, online, paintings, pakistan, peace, photo, photos, photoshop, pictures, pirates, president, quotes, recipe, recipes, republican, rock, sculpture, security, social-media, social-networking, society, space, star-wars, tech, technology, television, tips, tools, tutorials, ubuntu, vegan, video, videos, vintage, war, water, web, web-development, weird, wordpress, youtube, sex, sexy, hot, love, porn, president, 2008, 2009, winter, secret, omg, no, way, amplafitesttag, art, arts, bank, barackobama, bi, bisexual, blues, broadway, business, c, canvass, children, classical, college, comedy, community, communityservice, concert, conference, convention, country, county, dance, debatewatchparty, design, development, drive, election, election08, entrepreneur, event, events, fair, family, festival, field, filmfest, florida, football, for, free, fun, fundraising, halloween, haunted, indie, iowavoteearlyforchangeweekofac, jazz, kids, league, live, local, localfieldoffice, london, management, marketing, media, meeting, music, musicals, mybo, national, networking, new, nfl, nyc, obama, of, office, organizing, party, performance, phone, phonebank, pop, pride, prideevent, pridefest, registration, rock, service, show, shows, social, sport, sports, startup, technology, theater, tour, voter, voterregistrationdrive, w, web, western, women, women for obama, workshop, , free, money, cash, movie, download Something like that but maybe related to aliens ufos and space? Thanks I really appreciate the help

wat program do i need to make vids and put them on website cuz windows movie maker isnt workin? i made this funny vid on windows movie maker and i cant upload it onto myspace or anything else cuz its not in any of the .bla bla bla forms that it needs to and i dont think i can convert it if i can plz tell me how and if i cant then tell me wat free programs or wat programs i need to make flash videos or other videos that i dont need a camera for.

I had a dream about the End of the World.... I didn't read any books before going to bed, didn't watch any movies that involves the same subject. I was watching Black Gold, from the TruTv channel at 10:30ish. But about 3 months ago I was really aware of how people say that the world will end in 2012 of December.... Of how this new planet is going to stop the earth for 3 days to a week.... Of how there will be nuclear war ( WW3). I don't know if anything like that is true, But I do believe in God and Believe in what the bible says. I don't read too much of it, because to be honest, which I know is wrong I haven't really given much time to do it, which I should. Anyways here's my dream(s)... It started off by me talking to my Fiance about whatever, then I went to go watch his and my child, which we are about to have together in 5 more months. Yes I am pregnant. We were talking some more, and we lived in a different City in another Apartment. All of a sudden I asked what day it was. The funny thing in my dream was it was December 2008..... why would it be that day??? Anyways, A large Earthquake took place and shook the room really hard. I ran for my children as fast as I could. Then a TORNADO hit right outside my Apartment and lifted the Entire building just enough to hover off the ground for a second or two. I was scared and grabbed my children and told my fiance we have to leave right now! He was trying to figure out what was going on. He was scared too. Then We drove away and left everything behind, except for things we needed for the kids such as food, clothes, and whatever supplies we needed for safety. After are long drive we noticed there was a library, I was trying to grab Wifi through my laptop to figure out what's going on. I saw the news, millions of people were dying out there, tornadoes had destroyed everything and the earthquake was larger than China's recent one. EVERYTHING was Demolished. people out there looked like Zombies, and walked slowly towards my car... I was scared so we continued. The sky was turning red as the Same color of the planet, or huge rock i saw in the sky. It was really huge and all I can do is stare at it. I saw animals killing each other blood was everywhere, and people were just dying. I found out that one of the safe points was in New york. I told my fiance WE HAVE TO GO THERE. He looked at me like I was crazy, But we had no choice if we wanted to survive. We filled the gas tank as much as possible. And took off. Long beach was already under water which explained why I smelled Sea water from another state. We out in the middle of nowhere. I looked at my kids and started crying cause they are so young, one was 5 and the other was just an infant. I was scared. Then we went to a building, New york looked really screwed up. And a man showed up. Now he was asking me questions. I told him I had to come here to be safe. but he told me that there is no escaping this. Everyone is dying and there are just a few of us left. Day after day the World looked like hell. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, Tsunami, every natural disaster took place. The man took me inside a underground dome, that was small enough for just a few people. Others were there praying hoping this will all be over.... I asked my fiance to pray with me but he wouldn't cause he said, "god is not real, otherwise he wouldn't do this to us!" I told him that it's our fault that this happen, god gave us a free will, but alot people have abused it. And now god is tired.... He sat there and started crying. I asked him. "do you accept God and jesus and your lord an personal savior". He began to cry more and said yes. I do. everyone was praying for us cause we were the only surviving family. Then a huge flash covered my vision. And I woke up so scared crying. How should I really feel about this dream??? this is not the first time. I've had dreams like this since I was a child. but it would get worse the older I got...

Poetry for language arts; What do you think? These are 10 poems that are required for me to write in language arts. Tell me what you think of them? Which is your favorite? "Title" {Poem Type} "What Happened?" {Cinquian} I sigh I see you both How are you so happy? Abandoning me here all alone How sad "Art" {Limerick} There are incredible types of art And they all come straight from the heart There are colors like blue Some even include you And yet I don't know where to start "The Science Project" {Excuse} I meant to do my science project But the sunset was so beautiful And my best friend came over And we talked forever And we watched a bunch of movies And we played with my cat So what would YOU do? "Double-Sided Dragon" {Life Metaphor} Life is a dragon Very kind and subtle With lots of good points, Yet in a flash It can spit fire And whip you with its tail And fly away And I am glad I've never met a double-sided dragon "Curiosity Killed the Girl" {Ballad} (This is my favorite) Don't be afraid For I am not a ghost I shall tell you a story And I will be the host I was playing with a ball One hot summer day I didn't know the asphalt Was not a place to lay I was so curious That small mini me I crawled into the street Next to a big tree I didn't mean to go far But I saw a lady bug All alone in the middle of the street And I wanted to give it a big hug I was in such a trance That lady bug was magic I didn't hear the car coming What had happened was tragic I won't say more For I hate to be rude Just don't crawl in the street What will happen will be crude "A Broken Heart" {Emotional Poem} Depression is like a swirling black hole that engulfs my world and everything in it Depression is like the sight of a broken heart shattered into pieces Depression is the dreadful sound of a girl's cry Depression is the bitter taste of an orange peel Depression is the feel of a thousand needles pinning me down Depression is the metallic scent of blood in the air Depression is like a knife smiling at me Depression is nothing but pain... "Love" {Haiku} I lay on the grass Thinking how I love you so Everything is bliss "Kindergarten & Middle School" {Contrast} In the kindergarten classroom- Crazy, care-free, fun Running around Yelling out The leader! In the 7th grade classroom- Upset, stressed, out-of-control Down on my desk The freak "I Am" I am funny and serious I wonder about my friends I hear music playing I see people every day I want to be successful I am funny and serious I pretend everything is okay I feel peer pressure pulling me in I touch the soft fur on my cat I worry about my future I cry when I think of all the stress I am funny and serious I understand the world I say no on prop 8 I dream of the things I want I try to do my best in school I hope to find the one I love I am funny and serious "F-R-I-E-N-D" {Acrostic} F orever with you R eminder of love I nvinsible against evil E nticingly happy N ever-ending friendship D early beloved

how do you transfer music from itunes to window movie maker? ok so im trying to import a song i downloaded from itunes into windows movie maker which i will record over with my voice to give it new lyrics (i know this works from prior expereince.) and its not copyright, im not selling the song or anything weird like that its just for a funny project. anyway. apparently you cant download itunes onto windows movie maker because its in mp4 format instead of mp3. i know you can fix this by downloading the song onto a CD and doing some weird fancy trick to redownload it as mp3. I would prefer not to do this. first of is there a way to do this with a flash drive and what would the process be. second is there another free software i could use instead. like could i use a mac program on my pc? geesh, i really know nothing about computers. HELP!

Is this a good beginning to my story? Elise “Oh my god, OH MY GOD!!” I screamed. “I just got accepted into MIT!” My always-mellow mother shushed me. “Calm down, Elise. You don’t want to disturb the neighbors.” Still, she smiled. “This is awesome.” I declared. “I’m going to tell, well everybody!” I laughed and ran upstairs, my dark brown hair fluttering behind me. I immediately got on my brand new MacBook that I had gotten for my recently passed 18th birthday. My fingers brushed across the sleek cover as I lifted its cover. I absolutely loved technology. I was smiling when I logged onto my facebook account. My status immediately popped out on the home page after I typed it. “Elise Yuan is so ecstatic! Just got accepted into MIT! Dream college, here I come!” A few seconds later, my friend Addison Davis replied. “You genius! How could they not accept you?” I grinned. Addison was just awesome like that. Another notification caught my eye. I could feel myself start to hyperventilate. Jacob Ha commented on my status. Let me clarify. Jacob Ha is the guy I’ve liked ever since 7th grade. He was funny, smart, and nice. We were friends, but I never had the guts to tell him how I really felt about him. I hastily clicked on the notification to read what he had written. “That’s awesome Elise! I just got accepted there too!” Now today was really perfect. Jacob would be going to the same college as me, which meant that we could hang together. I went to bed elated that night. 10 more people had congratulated me, and I beamed with each comment. Life was good. Life was about to get better. I eagerly woke up at 6:30 to quickly brush my teeth and drive to school. I survived zero period without exploding of excitement, and immediately headed to the locker’s of my two best friends, Kalli Haywako and Aime Ohen. Kalli was accepted at Stanford, and Aime at Yale. We were discussing ways to keep in touch when Jacob Ha suddenly appeared. “Hey can I talk to you?” asked Jacob. I couldn’t help but notice that his usually dark eyes seemed to glisten with the sun. He pushed his jet black bangs out of his face. “Oh sure,” I answered, silently telling Kalli and Aime to go away. Kalli and Aime giggled. I gave them the death stare, and they went over to talk to Ethan Stone, who’s locker happened to be just within listening range. I rolled my eyes at them. “So what’s up?” I said casually. “I was wondering if you had any plans tomorrow?” He asked smoothly. My heart was pounding. “Um, tomorrow? I think I’m free.” “Great. So, can you go to the movies with me tomorrow?” “Sure. Okay. That’d be great.” I smiled. He grinned. His emotionless face transformed into a delighted one. “See you tomorrow! Well actually in 4th period since you always insist on stalking me then, and then lunch because – never mind, see you tomorrow!” He than ran off. Kalli started the chatter about 10 seconds after he left. “This is just your week! You’ve got everything going for you.” Aime, quiet to everyone except for us, suddenly laughed. “Hey, Elise, you do realize that you’re still grinning, right?” I hadn’t realized. “You guys just can’t let me enjoy the moment, can you?” Kalli rolled her eyes. “When have I ever done that? When has Aime ever done that?” “Well maybe it’s something new to try.” I playfully poked both of them. I still had the grin on my face as I headed off to 1st period. And then 2nd. And then 3rd. And then 4th. I flashed that smile at Jacob. Then during lunch, I finally got that stupid grin off my face, when all my friends commented on how strange I was being. “Even stranger than the time Kyler Johnson asked her out,” were their exact words. But then Jacob came by and the smile came back. I managed to get past the day, and headed home. I finished my homework in record time, played viola for a bit, and even cleaned the house. Finally, I called Jacob and chatted a bit. He made me laugh, as usual, and I made fun of him. Finally, nighttime rolled by and I went to bed. I didn’t fall asleep for a long time though. The next day was normal. I volunteered at the School Fundraiser with Aime. We did our Ninja dance to advertise the Fundraiser. I was my usual, slightly immature self. I walked my dog later, and chased her around for half an hour when she got off her leash, as usual. I finished my homework, as usual. But something that was not usual? My date. It was set for 6pm, and I could hardly wait. I spent an hour getting ready and put on my a t-shirt and shorts. Then I decided that I didn’t like it and took it off. I tried on a couple of t-shirts and some hats. Finally I decided on a simple dress and paced around the living room. If it wasn’t already obvious, I was kind of nervous. My mom laughed at me. I stuck out my tongue at her. Finally, the short hand of the clock pointed to six, and Jacob drove up to my house in his car. I laughed as he got off and pretended to be a chauffer, and helped me in the car. The ride to the theater was casual. He was his regular hilarious I did not realize how long that is... But please only comments or suggestions from people that actually read it. I did not realize how long that was. The ending got cut off a bit so sorry about that.

which is your best south park episode? 1.Cartman gets an anal probe 2.Weight Gain 4000 3.Volcano 4.Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride 5.An Elephant Fucks a Pig 6.Death 7.Pink Eye 8.Starvin’Marvin 9.Mr.Hankey the Christmas Poo 10.Damien 11.Tom’s Rhinoplasty 12.Mecha-Streisand 13.Cartman’s Mom is a Dirty Slut 14.Terrance & Phillip in Not Without My Anus 15.Cartman’s Mom is Still a Dirty Slut 16.Chickenlover 17.Ike’s Wee Wee 18.Conjoined Fetus Lady 19.The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka 20.City on the Edge of Forever (Flash Backs) 21.Summer Sucks 22.Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls 23.Chickenpox 24.Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods 25.Clubhouses 26.Cow Days 27.Chef Aid 28.Spookyfish 29.Merry Christmas Charlie Manson! 30.Gnomes 31.Prehistoric Ice Man 32.Rainforest Schmainforest 33.Spontaneous Combustion 34.The Succubus 35.Jakovasaurs 36.Tweek vs.Craig 37.Sexual Harassment Panda 38.Cat Orgy 39.Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub 40.Jewbilee 41.KoRn’s Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery 42.Chinpokomon 43.Hooked on Monkey Phonics 44.Starvin’Marvin in Space 45.The Red Badge of Gayness (War) 46.Mr.Hankey’s Christmas Classics 47.Are You There God? It’s Me, Jesus 48.World Wide Recorder Concert (The Brown Noise) 49.The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000 50.Cartman’s Silly Hate Crime 2000 51.Timmy 2000 52.Quintuplets 2000 53.Cartman Joins N.A.M.B.L.A. 54.Cherokee Hair Tampons 55.Chef Goes Nanners 56.Something You Can Do with Your Finger 57.Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? 58.Probably 59.4th Grade 60.Trapper Keeper 61.Helen Keller! The Musical 62.Pip 63.Fat Camp 64.The Wacky Molestation Adventure 65.A Very Crappy Christmas 66.It Hits the Fan 67.Cripple Fight 68.Super Best Friends 69.Scott Tenorman Must Die 70.Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow 71.Cartmanland 72.Proper Condom Use 73.Towelie 74.Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants 75.How to Eat with Your Butt 76.The Entity 77.Here Comes the Neighborhood 78.Kenny Dies 79.Butters’Very Own Episode 80.Jared Has Aides 81.Asspen 82.Freak Strike 83.The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer 84.Fun with Veal 85.Professor Chaos 86.Simpsons Already Did It 87.Red Hot Catholic Love 88.Free Hat 89.Bebe’s Boobs Destroy Society 90.Child Abduction Is Not Funny 91.A Ladder to Heaven 92.The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers 93.The Death Camp of Tolerance 94.The Biggest Douche in the Universe 95.My Future Self n’ Me 96.Red Sleigh Down (Christmas in Iraq) 97.Cancelled 98.Krazy Kripples 99.Toilet Paper 100.I’m a Little Bit Country 101.Fat Butt and Pancake Head 102.Lil’Crime Stoppers 103.Red Man’s Greed 104.South Park is Gay! 105.Christian Rock Hard 106.Grey Dawn 107.Casa Bonita 108.All About Mormons 109.Butt Out 110.Raisins 111.It’s Christmas in Canada 112.Good Times with Weapons 113.Up the Down Steroids 114.The Passion of the Jew 115.You Got Fucked in the Ass (You Got F’d in the A’) 116.AWESOM-O 117.The Jeffersons 118.Goobacks 119.Douche and Turd 120.Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes 121.Pre-School 122.Quest for Ratings 123.Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset 124.Cartman’s Incredible Gift 125.Woodland Critter Christmas 126.Mr.Garrison’s Fancy New Vagina 127.Die Hippie, Die 128.Wing 129.Best Friends Forever 130.The Losing Edge 131.The Death of Eric Cartman 132.Erection Day 133.Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow 134.Marjorine 135.Follow that Egg! 136.Ginger Kids 137.Trapped in the Closet 138.Free Willzyx 139.Bloody Mary 140.The Return of Chef 141.Smug Alert! 142.Cartoon Wars (Part 1) 143.Cartoon Wars (Part2) 144.A Million Little Fibers 145.Manbearpig 146.Tsst 147.Make Love, Not Warcraft 148.Mystery of the Urinal Deuce 149.Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy 150.Hell on Earth 2006 151.Go God, Go! 152.Go God, Go! XII 153.Stanley’s Cup

Ladies, Please Help Me Find My Confidence.? Ok, when I was 6 years old, my mom and I moved to kentucky, and while there we lived in 2 trailers, an apartment, and then we went to live with my moms boyfriend in the boonies of kentucky, while in kentucky, I never got to have any friends, because we moved back and forth for awhile, and while in kentucky, after I had stayed with my mom for awhile, I ended up going to live with a preacher and his wife, until they found me a foster home, then I lived there for a year, and this happened because my mom fainted because of one of her medicine she took for anxiety, sorry for this being such a long question, but I've been through so much that this is the best I can do for right now... anyways my dad came and picked me up a year after living in the foster home, at the time I was 10. I came to live with my dad, and then all this abuse started.. my dad would, hit me with a belt or paddle aross the face, the stomach, the legs, and he would knock me down to the floor, and stand on top of my legs, and jump up and down on them, while hitting me with a paddle, on the stomach, and chest, and this paddle was 2 inches thick with holes in it, and then he would kick me in the stomach, and legs, and sides, then would drag me into the bathroom, by my ear from the floor, and smack, punch, and bite me on the neck, and shoulders, and would laugh psychotically, and say do you think that's funny, I would end up with black eyes, busted lips, bruises, and bloody noses, because of this I used to cut myself, because it made me feel relaxed... then he raped me, and at that time I was 10 almost 11.. then I was molested 5 times around 11 or 12, by my sisters now exhusband, and I told her about it and she just said oh you know how he is, he likes to kid around, then I was molested by this same sister, when I was 4, then molested by my mom at 8, during a time when I had the flu and had to stay home from school, then I was molested, by these 2 boys that were 11 or 12 one was my uncles friend's son, and the other was my babysitter's step nephew.. then I tried killing myself when I was 12 because of all of this.... and my dad had me so scared of him, and I was so scared of my sister's too that I literally felt as though, I was a prisoner, in my own room, and a slave in my own house, I barely left the house when I was a kid, teenager, and adult, I remember being so scared that for a whole year I didn't speak, I was afraid to go to bed, I was afraid to go to the bathroom, eat, smile, go to school, I was so afraid of him that, when we went to therapy sessions, I couldn't tell the therapist what was really going on at home, because I was afraid that,, he would come in the room and beat me up or kill me, even though the therapist, put the phone next to her, and got up and locked the door, so therapy didn't work, and also when I was 12 I was given a generic form of Ritalin for ADHD and ADD, and because I was so afraid of my dad, when the psychiatrist, looked at me, and asked me if the medicine was working, my dad was looking at me with a mean look on his face, and before hand he was mentioning to the psychiatrist that he didn't think I needed the medicine, and as soon as he said that he looked over at me really fast, and gave me that mean look, as if to tell me I wasn't allowed to take the medicine, so I've had ADD and ADHD most of my life, and felt enslaved in my house until 25, and then at 25 my dad died... so I felt, as if someone came in my house, and unchained the shackles, and set me free, and now finally I can live my own life as I see fit, but I'm still struggling, with all these issues, I still have ADD and ADHD, but I take this medicine called Foucus Factor, and it actually helps me, then I ended up getting high blood pressure, that reached 210 to 220 and my life flashed before my eyes almost like a movie, and then i died... and came back a few minutes later, and while this was all happening, I seen my dad, my sister's, and my brothernlaw all controlling me, ganging up on me, and all this abuse, and I said to myself, I have to start standing up for myself more, even if I have to go to jail, so that also helped me get my life going finally, now, I have all sorts of things to worry about, I have no job, no real friends, no money, no woman to share my life with, I fat, not very tall, I have never been in a relationship with a woman, because when a woman holds my hand or hugs me, I start shaking all over my body, and I feel as if she's violating me in some way, which I know isn't true, but I still feel that way, and I constantly worry about, If I'm good enough, I feel like I'm no good, and I don't deserve anything, plus I worry about when I do finally have a relationship with a woman, if I will hold her hand the right way, kiss her the right way, hug her the right way, make love the right way, if I'll last long enough in bed for her, and if my penis is big enough This is the rest of the question.. for some reason they cut this part out. and as far as I understand, men and women are supposed to communicate with one another, about what they like and don't like, not you, or I are supposed to just all of a sudden, know exactly what to say and do, I don't think it works that way, but I've never been with a woman before, so I don't know, just don't know, anyways can someone please tell me where to go from here, because I barely have anything in my life, I would finally like to get my life started, can you all please help me, I just don't know what to do anymore.

is this THE only longest joke youve heard ? Lost in the Desert (Author unknown) So, there’s a man crawling through the desert. He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right. He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst. He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs. As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day. He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid. Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do. Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking. As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble - usually right before heat stroke. He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer - if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he’s drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out. He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway. Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that. He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the movements. After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going. After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town. He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it’s been too long since he started out. He walks through the sand. After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad. But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune. Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back up - he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees. While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts. He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough. Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it’s dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He’s going to have to go down there and look. He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he’s in trouble - he’s not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling. He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just imagined it. So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance. He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling. Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he’s no longer on sand - he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area. His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface. Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone. He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what’s in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling. It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?” He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time. Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle. And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him. He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going to be able to move from this spot. Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes. Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of snake bite after all. He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the center here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t biting. He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out. He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now. He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is there anyone here?” He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?” He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help. “Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you help me?” Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very well. Coming up.” A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him. He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake. “It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up - it’s the snake talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he’s not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more - at all! “Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?” “Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.” “You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?” “No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works - it’s what I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.” The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst. “I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.” “Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little. “That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs. “But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously. “By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me ‘Snake’. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening.” The snake give his rattle a little shake. “Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack Samson. “Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?” “That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but ‘any more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You’ve been changed. “For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin. “As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can’t tell you.” “Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but you’d have to kill me?” “I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious. “Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. “So, what is this ‘Bound by Secrecy’ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?” “They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?” “Yeah, they do,” said Jack. “I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence. Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?” Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back. “Umm, well, ok,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?” “Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.” Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him. “Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.” “Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right? Because that’s not really a change to me?” “Right,” nodded Nate. “Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked, hopefully. “That takes two requests, Jack.” “Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?” “Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.” “Hmmm,” said Jack. “Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?” “Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d shrug, if he had shoulders. “Ok, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?” “No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that’s how it works - the poison, you know,” Nate said apologetically. Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it’s fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. “Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?” Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food? Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate… Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans… Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. “I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn’t have to hoodwink me like that.” “I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate, confidently. “You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.” “Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my calf or something instead?” “More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.” “Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,” answered Jack. “Ok,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?” “Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about food.” “We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,” answered Nate. “Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours. “I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to. “Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn - I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.” “Ok,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you start looking at me as food. Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.” Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically. “Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose. Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving. Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky. Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh! Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m eventually going to have to head back - I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I’m not sure I’ll want to.” “It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.” Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?” “Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a ‘tree’, offering ‘temptations’, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.” “Garden of Eden, hunh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here, Nate?” “No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it’s been thousands of years, at least.” “So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack. “Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals.” “Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack. “Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since. “What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?” “Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way. “You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate. “Why not?” asked Jack. “I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate. “Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d push it that way, and it would move in the slot.” “Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate. “What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world?” “Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned. Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?” “Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?” Nate continued to grin. “A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?” “Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I started here.” “Rules? What rules?” asked Jack. “The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained Nate. Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity?” “Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?” “Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it?” “Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.” “Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?” “Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more. Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?” “That seems to be it,” agreed Nate. “What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?” “Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know.” “But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up?” protested Jack. Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack.” Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail. Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?” “Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.” “Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?” “Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.” “What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack. “He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate. “Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?” “I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack.” “Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while. Nate watched him, waiting. “Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for with his third request?” Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.” “Ok,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, “give it to me. Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?” “Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?” “He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.” “Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up. Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both. “You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position. “Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice. “And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?” “Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it. Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just Kidding!” right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock. Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten. Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake. Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around. “Nate, do accidents count?” Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?” Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?” “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some amusement. A little later - “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked Jack. “That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate. “No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?” “Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.” “Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky. “Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?” asked Jack. “Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.” “Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?” “He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding somewhat sad. Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight. Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway. “His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.” “And then he just died?” asked Jack. Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite. After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had. After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.” Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep. Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat. So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily. Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it. Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate. Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions. Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first. Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite. After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year. After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he ‘d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school. Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings. But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally. On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited. After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.” Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy? “No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!” Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever. “Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake. “Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?” Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been. “He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?” Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more. Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight. Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.” Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?” Nate shook his head. “No, Jack - you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out - I’m bound here - there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.” Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?” Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request. “I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me. “I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword. Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me. “You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack. “Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.” Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.” Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general. When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances. So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate. When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert. When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark. As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight. Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert. Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving. As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side. Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster. Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity. Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away. Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right. The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side. Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing. Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake. THE END (No one said it was the longest FUNNY joke in the world)

how do u like it? -Prologue- -Dreams- “For in dreams we enter a world that’s entirely our own, let them swim in the deepest ocean, or glide over the highest cloud” -Dumledore- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban What are dreams? Are they a reminisce from a previous life, or simply De ja vu. They can have us enter into the unimaginable and impossible. Yet it all seems so real. We do the most amazing things in dreams, but cannot remember any bit of it when you wake up. That is why the dream world is so amazing; it is where we can achieve our most desired whim. Still, very few dreams come true, yet those spare few are able to paint our lives with the colors of adventure, or tragedy. Dare to step into the Dream World? Chapter 1 It was a glorious day like no other, and 14-year-old Caity Craft was enjoying every bit of it. In a couple of minutes David West, the handsome and charming young man that Caity has had a crush on for years, would be picking her up for their date that afternoon. She had been getting ready for hours, choosing her outfit carefully, taking care not to look too over the top, and yet to make an everlasting impression on him. Just as she finished she heard the doorbell ring, she put one last streak of lip gloss on her already over-shined lips, and went to go answer it. Of course, it was David, he held his arm out, she responded with a smile and grabbed his hand. Together they made their way down the road towards the local coffee shop and settled in a table near a beautiful picture window and ordered their choice of drinks. They sat and chatted politely, and eventually came into a very intensive conversation about nothing in particular, and yet meant everything that mattered in the world. They went for a very long walk, around the town, in the park, everywhere. It became very late though, and their parents would be concerned, so they decided to go their separate ways after agreeing to a second date sometime. When Caity said goodbye, she looked up, he was looking away, she blushed and looked down again, he lifted her chin and stared at her with the most penetrating stare that she could not pry her eyes away, they both smiled, the space between their faces was shrinking rapidly, she could smell the cologne that lost its original strength long ago, their lips were only centimeters away from each other… “CAITY, WAKE UP!!!” “Mom, just five more minutes, please!” why must she awake her at such an invigorating part of her glorious dream? “But honey you have to wake up or you’ll be late for school, it’s already 7:30!” “WHAT?!?!?! Make me some breakfast while I get dressed, please and thank you.” Caity grabbed the first thing she could find, groaning at the big stain on the front of her favorite sweater. She took a look in the mirror, fixed her hair, and ran downstairs, not bothering to try and impress David, for she had given it up and was in a hurry. Gulping down breakfast she ran outside into the car, hoping her mom would write a tardy admit for her. When Mrs. Craft pulled into the parking lot of the school, Caity asked her to write an admit but she had no time. “Love you honey!” “Bye mom” she said hopelessly as she entered school, dreading what Mr. Jerrald, her terribly strict geometry teacher, would say… Chapter 2 “DETENTION CRAFT!” Mr. Jerrald hissed, “This Wednesday after school, be there!” he handed her a detention slip. “That’s your ninth tardy, one more and there will be suspension! What is it you do instead of being in class?” Honestly, Caity and her friends had skipped the first half hour of class a couple times. Eight times actually, but Caity never thought she would, God forbid, get suspended! Not really, its just that she never really thought of consequences while having fun, playing hookie at the drugstore or in the school bathrooms. “Nothing” she said with the most innocent voice she could muster But she knew now that it was time to pay. She took her seat in the back of the class with her friends; they gave her grave looks of sympathy and said they would totally serve detention with her, if it weren’t for “soccer practice” or some other lame excuse. When school was finally over, Caity showed her mom the detention slip and said she was going to have to miss her dance lesson that week. The next morning she ran into David on her way to class, he looked anxious for some reason, and he kept looking over his shoulder. “Hi Caity, hey, have you seen Mr. Smith anywhere?” he asked “Um, no I haven’t” she said nervously. “Ok, but will you tell me if you do? That would be great, see ya” “Bye” What was that all about? “Oh my gosh!” Caity thought as she went down the stairs to her English class “I can’t believe I actually talked to David West! I hope I didn’t act too excited, or, oh no! Did I sound nervous?!?!?! I HAVE to know!” But what was also on her mind - why was he in such a hurry and why was he so nervous? Was he in trouble or something? Was David West – THE David West – the boy that shy Caity Crest had a crush on, a criminal? No, in fact he was not in trouble with the law or anything scandalous, he just needed to tell Mr. Smith something, but is that the message that got him in so much trouble? Who knows, only him. Chapter 3 Wednesday’s detention, as Caity had dreaded, had finally come. She made her way down to the detention room, and froze… Much to her delight, David West was in the detention room, but it also added to the anxiety of it all. What’s even worse is that the teacher leading the detention that day put them in groups of two, and guess who got put together. Caity just sat there avoiding eye contact, when the awkward silence was too much. “So, what are you in for?” she asked, trying to smile “Remember when you saw me yesterday? Well, I had to tell Mr. Smith something and he got all angry about it for some reason, then he gave me a detention, you?” It sounded innocent enough, but still a little fishy, however, Caity decided not to delve deeper in case of offending him. “That’s weird, yeah, I was tardy… for the ninth time.” They went on talking, Caity getting more confident with every word, when suddenly, David asked a question that stopped the confidence boost altogether. “Hey Caity, are you doing anything this Saturday?” he sounded anxious when he said it. “Uh, let me check my calendar” she looked at the paper they were supposed to be working on. “No, I’m not doing anything, what did you have in mind?” she laughed nervously “Well, I was just wondering if—‘’ “NO TALKING!” snapped the teacher, so David wrote it down on a piece of paper— Caity- since you’re free on Saturday, I was just wondering if you would like to go to a movie with me, I’ll pay for you, and we could go to dinner before it Sounds great! When can you pick me up? Or can you pick me up? That would be awesome because my mom has somewhere else to go to. Yeah, I can pick you up around six. We’ll be back around ten, is that ok? Yeah, see you then. Chapter 4 Caity was so excited about her date on Saturday that she couldn’t concentrate on her world history homework. “David West, a Spanish Conquistador, took over the whole cinema to go on a date with his new girlfriend, Caity Craft. Charming Craft and handsome West together set out to conquer the world, but died from a cruel gunshot from Lisa Smith, West’s former companion, and their world history teacher, Mr. Smith’s daughter…” Caity couldn’t stand it; she called up David, not knowing how she got his number stuck in the pocket of her jacket, when a thought came to her mind — what did David say to Mr. Smith that made him so angry— “Hello, this is David speaking” “Hey David, just wondering, what was it you said to Mr. Smith that made him so angry? “I just asked him about his daughter, Lisa, because she, uh, left her jacket at my house, she’s my ex.” He said, though not with much confidence. “Oh. Hmm, I wonder why he got so mad about it.” “Yeah, he was all red in the face and yelled ‘Detention! And don’t ever speak to me about my daughter ever again!!!’” “Seems like he overreacted a little… but maybe it was just problems between them.” “Yeah, I guess. But he sounded really angry, with a crazed look in his eye. Well, I godda go, my mom’s calling me for dinner, see you tomorrow!” He said, sounding troubled “Bye” She said as she hung up the phone, deciding that she would think about it more tomorrow, besides, she had homework, and tomorrow was Friday. Chapter 5 By the end of the day, Caity had found out nothing on the subject of, well, all her subjects; and still nothing on the subject of Lisa Smith. Which is what she had been concentrating on instead of her studies. But she was still very excited for Saturday, when they (David and Caity) could discuss it more. She felt like Nancy Drew, though it was not much of a mystery (so far). When all of a sudden, she heard her name being called. “Wha— she had been daydreaming. “I think I asked you a question.” Mrs. Tap said firmly “what is the theory of relativity, very easy, and what does it have to do with how energy is made? “Oh, yeah. E=mc2, which is pretty much energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. So energy is made from, uh, mass times the speed of light to the second?” “Correct, but for your homework tonight, everybody must write at least a paragraph about the speed of light, to touch further on the subject. It will be due on Monday.” Great, Caity might have time to write up a short paragraph on Sunday night, but it will be difficult so she started it that night. It was a lot harder than she thought, and she was up almost all night working on it. Caity just couldn’t explain it in one paragraph, so at 11:30, she had already had two pages on it. By the time it was 1:00, and she had four pages, Caity figured it was enough (perhaps a bit more than enough), so she finished it up and tried to get some sleep, she knew it would be good, but she was too excited. When she finally did get some shut-eye, it was 4:30, and she would have to sleep in, very late, she set her alarm for 3:00 p.m., hopefully it would wake her up in time to get ready. Chapter 6 Saturday had come at last, and Caity had woken up, refreshed exactly at… what? 5:30?!?!?!? This couldn’t be happening, surely her mom would have woken her up by now. She went into the bathroom; she couldn’t believe what she saw… There she was, drenched in blood, Caity couldn’t even scream. Her own mother, but why? From the looks of it, she was tortured to death. The crude details are too sickening explain. Her body was twisted in an unnatural way, with many bruises and burns, Caity didn’t hear the horrific, blood curdling screams, that escaped from her tender motherly lips, that fixed all her “boo-boos” when she was a young child, because she was gagged. What a terrible fate for such a caring person. What callous, sick person would do this? But Caity noticed another thing, a tag, no, a note, written in blood- Your next, Caity Craft. Chapter 7 Suddenly she blacked out, she was so afraid. Wait no, she didn’t black out, something, a pillow, was covering her face, she was getting lightheaded, she couldn’t scream, couldn’t feel sweet air filling her lungs. A bag was put over her head. Caity started to panic, she couldn’t breathe, her mother was dead. How could this all be happening? Who was the person behind this terrible act? She was being kicked, urged to get up and walk, she got up, having no choice. She was getting beaten around like a soccer ball in an intense game. Caity tried to calm down but it was too much. She was thrown into a vehicle and driven somewhere. Unexpectedly she felt icy cold, she was drowning! Unable to untie her hands, she gave up hope, destroyed. Why must it end like this? When she thought all hope was lost, she gave what would have been her last, shuddering breath, when all of a sudden… A pair of muscular arms, far from the ones that had damaged her, were holding her around the waist while strong legs pumped underneath them. They were strong yet comforting, then she thought— “DAVID!” and she fell to sleep, adrenaline rushing away, what kept her alive was leaving her, and a more reliable source was taking over, her true hero. Chapter 8 She woke up but a moment later it seemed. She was in a hospital bed with balloons, flowers and get-well cards all around her. The nurse said she had been out for two days. Caity looked down, there were bruises all down her arms and IV in her wrist. She was more relieved than she had ever been in her life, when panic came over her again. She now had no parents (her father died in a war), not enough money to live, and she almost died for God’s sake. A nurse came up to her to give her some medicine, Caity refused it and started to get nervous and uncomfortable, why was everyone bothering her, she was terrified, nurses were starting to surround her, she started having a nervous breakdown, her breaths became short and quick, they were all trying to stick needles in her, she didn’t want them to do that, they would hurt her, put her in more pain than she already was. She was screaming her head off and nobody was paying her any attention. She wanted her mother, her mom was dead, she started screaming more, crying out for help. Then she saw it, a faint glowing at first, it started to get brighter and everything else was blocked out. Now the only thing that she wanted was to reach that light. She knew that it would end her suffering and pain. She would see her mom and dad again, and be able to be with them forever, she knew it. Suddenly she felt a sharp pain in her arm and the light disappeared. She was coming back, no, she didn’t want to come back; she didn’t want to live her life in misery. But when she came back, all the nurses had disappeared, she was in a different room, she saw David there, standing, her hero, come back to see how she was. Caity could see that his eyes were bloodshot, he had obviously been crying… for her. He did care about her. Chapter 9 “How did you find me?” was the first thing that came from her. “I came to pick you up a little early, and something didn’t feel right. I was going to go check on you, but I saw the door opening, so I hid. I saw a person whose face was masked kicking and hitting you to walk, then the person threw you into the back of the van. I followed it, staying behind so the person wouldn’t suspect anything, but not far enough to lose you. I stopped when it pulled over at the end of a bridge, then it just, well” his voice faltered, tears started streaming down his face. “I know you probably don’t want to see me like this, I’m sorry, but, well, it, that, thing, threw you into the lake, I knew I had to do something, when it drove away I went and dived in, I just couldn’t let you die. And, well, you know what happened next. I thought you died, I was so scared it’s not even funny. I’m just glad to see your ok now.” “And I thank you, you are my hero mister David West. I owe you my life.” She said, mesmerized and truthfully. “I just wonder who did this, kind of scary y’know? Like a demented serial stalker. What do they want from me?” “Yeah, what do they have against you, and your mom I guess…” he said She started to cry. “Oh, I am so sorry, this is probably really hard for you and I just made it worse.” “No, its ok. I’m probably acting like a baby, crying all the time and having nervous breakdowns” “I don’t blame you, you almost died, anyone would act like that. I just wonder why she wants to kill you.” He said “She? How do you know it’s a girl?” She said, sudden accusation in her tone “What? Did I say she? I mean, it’s just so awkward calling it a, well, “it” I g—” “Are you not telling me something that could very well save my life some day?” “No, I’m telling you everything I know” he said defensively. “Are you sure? Is there anything you’ve been hiding from me for a while?” she gave him a threatening look “ok FINE! I, might kinda, like know who possibly tried to kill you, I may not be right though. Her name is Lisa Smith, I’m sure I might have mentioned her once. Anyway, she was the one that killed my mom. That’s what I was talking to Mr. Smith about, I told him that his daughter was a murderer, but he didn’t believe me, obviously.” “Oh really, so she wasn’t your ex. But why did she kill your mom?” “Yes, actually, she was my ex, and my mom didn’t like her. So she made me break with her. She was using me to get drugs or something, so she got really angry, and killed her.” He said with a sigh. “That’s so sad, sorry for snapping at you, it must be hard enough, talking freely about your mom’s death.” “I guess so…” he said uncertainly, there was an awkward silence for a while, broken eagerly by David. “Hey, we never really did have that date, how about tomorrow night at six?” “But the nurses probably won’t let me out of the hospital.” Caity said “Well then I guess we’ll just have to have it in your room, with romantic music, reading the cafeteria menus by candlelight, whaddaya say?” “Sure” she said laughing. Chapter 10 Caity was recovering quickly, and would be going back to school soon, on crutches because she had broken her leg. She and David had been having “dates” together in her hospital room, now decorated with posters of her favorite bands, and gifts from her visitors. She was still devastated about what happened, but she had company almost all day. David came and visited every day after school. He even missed football practice to just hang out with Caity. He loved her and she loved him, they hadn’t had anything tragic happen lately. They both went on with their daily lives, hanging out. Caity joined her school track team after she got her crutches off. All was well till one day when Caity was walking home from school; she was walking alone because David was sick that day. Even though the street around her was empty, Caity was aware of a presence behind her. She turned around and was immediately knocked out of consciousness. When she awoke, she realized that she was wet with sweat. Caity found she was tied up to a wooden pole, she looked down and saw a fire beneath her, she was being burned alive! She heard malicious laughing in the distance, and none other than Lisa Smith emerged from the shadows. “So…” she laughed “Little Caity is scared without her ‘boyfriend’ to come and save her… like last time.” She finished the sentence quite bitterly. “But this time he WON’T come, this time I will KILL YOU!” her voice much resembling the burning flames reflected in her crazed eyes. “It was you.” “No it wasn’t, it was my dear father. “And he covered for you, when David talked to him.” Caity said with realization, while attempting to loosen her bindings. “Yes, and he cut it mighty close if you ask me, had to knock him out, then make him swear not to tell anyone about it, or he would lose his life.” “But David will come and save me, I know that.” Lisa laughed again “Ha! He’s tied up with my father, waiting for my signal.” She held up her walkie-talkie “Once you are screaming your poor wittle head off when you catch fire…” she said in a mock babying voice. “I will tell him to blast the little traitor’s head to smithereens. The two of you will die together, how romantic.” She said with a smile. “You sick person, what did you do to my mother?” “Oh, I had fun with her. First I gagged her, to keep her unworthy mouth from screeching. Then I thoroughly enjoyed peeling the skin clean off her face, played around with a lighter— “STOP IT!” Caity screamed, blood and tears streaming down her face. “STOP! I meant, why did you do it, why you crazed madman, why?” she wailed. “To get to you.” Lisa said simply. “You see, with her out of the way, I had a clear shot to you.” “But what about David?” “No, he was working for me, but I did get a little worried about him when he fell in love with you and ruined my first plan. But I encouraged him to join me back with a little, shall we say, ‘persuasion’, I took him back to lure you closer.” “WHAT?!?!?! YOU MEAN HE LIED TO MY FACE?!?!?!? So, all those times he said he would love me forever, were lies?” “That’s right sweetie, all lies… welcome to the real world, where you can’t just trust everyone. Even people you love, and dream about.” How she knew about her dream, she didn’t know, all she was thinking about was how David betrayed her, and the growing fire, licking her burnt ankles. “Then why did you tie him up?” Caity spat, tears still running down her face. “Because, he’s a traitor, that’s that, and he still loves you.” Caity thought about what Lisa said for a while, when she finally realized the burning pain, well, all over her. She started screaming out all the air her lungs held; she screamed in agony, the pain was unbelievable. She started seeing the light again, but she also saw through it, into the real world. Her mother and father were running up to her, going to give her a hug, but she then realized, it was the dream world, then, breaking through the unreal barrier. She saw a Lisa Smith, talking on her walkie-talkie. She had to stop her! Somehow, anyhow. She was helpless, then she thought of something she did with her parents when she was little… she prayed. “God, please, just help me out of this.” Chapter 11 It all happened so fast, a flash that lighted the night sky, a loud crack, and a chilling scream, not from Caity’s own lips, but from another’s. Then a miracle happened, I started to rain, and rain, and rain. When the last flames of the fire below Caity had vanished in a wisp of smoke, she saw the dead body of Lisa lying in the pouring rain. Then, through the mist, Caity saw something limping her way. “Oh no” she thought “It’s Mr. Smith come to see my remains” But she was wrong. Through the thick black smoke came the voice of a hero, her hero. David West. “Are you ok Caity?” Caity felt more relieved then ever in her whole life. But how was David still alive? Hadn’t Mr. Smith finished him off? “Come on, we have to get you down from there.” “David, I love you. I love you so much, more than the stars in the sky. You have saved my life twice and I’ve never repaid you” “Well, I thi— Then, without warning, Caity kissed him, right in the rain, under the stars. She kissed him, her burned body being soothed by the droplets from heaven. Chapter 12 The two fell in love, true love. Not just an act he put on to kill her. “How did you escape?” she whispered in his ear. “I had untied, and when he turned away I knocked him out. I followed the smoke, and the screaming to you. When I was almost there, it started to rain. I prayed you were still alive, and you were, thank goodness.” “You betrayed me.” She yelled “But you betrayed them, for me.” She said in a much more gentle tone. He started blushing “Well, you must think I’m just about the most terrible guy in the world, so I would understand if you left me.” “I wouldn’t leave you for the world.” She said gratefully. So, as time went on, Caity Craft became Caity West. They had 3 beautiful daughters, and a son on the way, that they loved more than love itself. But during their time together in that fateful 9th grade year, they found that even through the toughest of times, when you think you are all alone, there is a person that will always love you. When you feel the most alone, where everyone in your life is gone… you can always go back to the dream world.

halloween story? Rodney and Jessica were in a costume shop, browsing the racks of witches' masks and zombie suits. "Hey, here's a good one!" Jessica called, holding a grotesque mask in front of her face to show Rodney. "Ew, gross, it looks like my grandma, but with more hair," Rodney said, making a face. Jessica sighed and put the mask back. "You just can't be happy, can you?" she asked. "Hey, it's your mask. Go as whatever you want, don't let me decide," he responded. He was walking away from her now, looking left and right at the full-body costumes hanging from the shelves. "Whatever," Jessica said, and walked the other way, towards the scary props section to check out some bloody plastic sickles. Rodney walked down the hall slowly, looking like a ten-year-old faced with a candy buffet. He walked past the cloaks, robes, hoods, lions, other various animals, famous movie characters, and assorted random people, such as ninjas and pirates. A particularly gruesome thing caught his eye in the corner, an ugly green troll. Upon closer inspection, however, he found that the suit was very low-quality. He wouldn't be scaring anybody wearing that thing. He poked the troll's big ugly nose, and the whole thing fell over. It had been sitting on a box, he saw, and something was poking out of it. Curious, he opened the box and pulled out the contents. It was some kind of death suit, as far as he could tell. The main body was a black cloak, and a black hood was pulled up over a hideous skull. The skull was deformed and misshapen, but that somehow added to the frightening effect. He reached his hand out to touch it, and found it rubbery and cold. Tentatively, he put it on, hiding his face behind the mask and under the hood, slipping his arms into skeleton-gloves that looked real. He picked up a metallic scythe, also in the box, and held it in what he thought was a menacing position. He peered into a mirror at the end of the aisle and jumped a little at his reflection. He honestly looked like the messenger of death, eyes black pieces of burnt coal, nose just two slits in his skinless face. He took the costume off and searched for his sister. He found her back in the masks section, looking again at witches. "Hey. Ready to go?" he asked, startling her a little. She almost dropped the hag's mask she had been about to put on. "Just a sec," she said, and slipped on the mask. Rodney looked at her carefully, studying. It was a pretty good mask; fairly realistic, creepily scary, and it would go great with the small crooked sickle she had also picked out. "Looks great, now let's go," he said. "Really?" she asked, taking the mask off. "Great. Thanks." They carried their items to the checkout line, where they waited behind a stout old man who was buying candy, supposedly for trick-or-treaters but most likely for himself. When the large man had finished, Jessica placed her scythe and mask on the counter. The clerk ran her scanner over the bar codes of each, and the total came up to almost twenty dollars. "A bit expensive, isn't it?" Jessica asked, handing the clerk the money. "The best," the clerk replied. "Worth every penny." "Would you still say that if you didn't work here?" Jessica asked, smiling as she took her small bag of stuff. The clerk smiled back a little, and gestured to Rodney. Rodney placed the costume and scythe on the counter and watched as the clerk searched them for price tags. Unable to find any, he called on the intercom: "Price check for..." He looked at the face and scythe. "Grim Reaper costume and scythe accessory, please." A few seconds later, a reply came. "Grim Reaper plus scythe? $19.95." "Okay, thank you," the clerk said, and rang up the total. Rodney paid, but couldn't help feeling that he was being charged for the wrong item. He had seen a Grim Reaper costume earlier, and it had looked a lot cheesier and probably cost a lot less. The scythe, too. You could barely tell this one was plastic. "Thank you," Rodney said, and he and Jessica walked out into the parking lot. "Are you ready yet?" Jessica called up the stairs impatiently. "Just a minute!" Rodney called back, his voice slightly muffled by the death mask he wore. He studied himself in the mirror. He looked scary, all right. Very scary. He walked downstairs, showing Jessica his costume for the first time. She made a face, much like the one he had given her when she had shown him the witch's mask that looked like his grandma. "Ew, it's disgusting," she said, looking sick. Then she laughed. "It's great! It looks real, too. I bet you'll win the costume contest, if there is one." "You think?" he asked, voice still muffled a little. She would never tell him this, but she felt better when he spoke. She felt better knowing that under the horrible costume, it was still her brother. "Definitely," she responded confidently. "Now let's go or we'll be late," she said, and they got into the car and drove away. There was no costume contest at the party, but they still had a great time. Bowls of candy corn were laid out on a table, and Rodney was thoroughly enjoying the terrified looks people gave him when they first saw him. After the real fear, though, there was just an apprehensive curiosity about the person behind the mask. When they found out that it was just Rodney, they often laughed and smiled. At one point in the party, Rodney went over to get some candy corn. He got there just in time to see the last of it taken by a rather skinny, nerdy-looking guy. He walked up to the skinny guy. "Hey, do you know if there's anymore of that candy corn anywhere?" he asked, hopeful. The skinny guy jumped when he saw Rodney, and replied carefully, thoughtfully chewing his candy corn. "I don't think so, man. Sorry," he said, through a mouth of orange, white, and yellow. Rodney opened his mouth to say that it was okay, but instead he uttered a low grunt and punched the skinny guy in the stomach. Hard. The skinny guy bent over in pain, candy corn spilling from his mouth, groaning a little as he fell to the floor, clutching his stomach. Rodney backed away, horrified. He hadn't meant to hit him; he never would have. Why had his gloved arm suddenly plunged itself deep into the skinny guy's stomach? People were turning to look now, eyes wide and mouths open, and Jessica broke free from the crowd. "Rodney! What's the matter with you?" she asked, anger flashing in his eyes. "Why would you do that?" "I don't know," Rodney said, fearfully and truthfully. "I...don't feel good, can we go?" She groaned. "I don't know why you chose to goof this up, Rodney." She turned towards the gathering crowd. "Everyone!" she shouted. "Sorry about my brother! He's feeling a little sick. We're going to go now; sorry for the inconvenience." She leaned in towards the skinny guy, still holding his stomach on the floor. "I'm especially sorry for you," she said, meaning it. Rodney and Jessica walked out of the party, seriously doubting that they would be invited back next year. "Why did you do that?" Jessica asked again. "I don't know," Rodney replied again. "There has to be a reason. Why did you do that?" "Fine, you want the truth? I'll give you the truth. The costume did it, okay? That horrible death costume. Happy now?" he said loudly. "Come on, don't be stupid. It's just a costume, you can't blame your stupid actions on it." "You asked why, I answered. If you don't believe me, that's your problem, not mine. You remember how there were no price tags on it? I don't think this thing was manufactured for Store-O-Horror, Jess." "You're just being stupid and irresponsible." Wow, Rodney thought. Three stupids in a row. New record. "Believe what you want, I'm not wearing that thing again. I'm probably not going trick-or-treating tomorrow either." "You have to go! It's a tradition!" "Yeah, well, too bad," Rodney said, feeling sorry for his sister but not wanting to put on that costume again. "I'll catch up with you, if I'm up to it," he said, but didn't expect to feel up to it. "Okay," she said, looking depressed. That night Rodney dreamt about the costume. He dreamt it was coming for him, floating out of the darkness, coming towards him with the large scythe in its hands. Rodney tried to run, but had nowhere to go. He stood there, immobile, as the horrid thing swung its scythe towards his neck. He woke up on the verge of screaming, but somehow held it back, then had to struggle with it again as he looked towards his closet and saw the costume staring back at him with its charcoal eyes and gaping mouth. "Okay, I'm going now. Last chance to come," Jessica said, standing at the door with an empty bag in one hand and her sickle in the other, her hag's mask on her face. "Thanks, but I'll probably just stay home. Like I said, I'll catch up with you if I feel like it," he said, trying to smile at her reassuringly. "Okay," she said, looking put out as she walked out the door and closed it behind her. Rodney sat on the couch, watching TV, a scary movie marathon. What was that? Was that a noise from upstairs? No, he reasoned, just the scary movies playing tricks with my senses, he thought. But there it is again... "Trick-or-treat!" they yelled, holding out their empty bags. Mrs. Kramer came to the door, a bowl of chocolates tucked under one arm. "Well now, let's see what we've got here. Hm...An alien, a pirate, a ghost, and two witches. In other words, Billy, Andy, Larry, Jessica and Beth," she said, pointing to each one as she spoke. "You're getting older," she said, as though suggesting that they were too old to trick-or-treat. "Where's your brother tonight, Jessica?" she asked, handing out pieces of candy to the trick-or-treaters. "He's home sick, Mrs. Kramer," she replied. "Oh, well that's a shame. Tell him to get better for me!" she called as they walked away. "Will do, Mrs. Kramer!" Jessica called back, waving. At the next house, it was more or less the same thing, only with Mr. Rockwell instead of Mrs. Kramer at the door. "Let's see...We've got a pirate, a witch, a ghost, another witch, a bug, and good old Death himself," he said, pointing to each individually. With a start, Jessica whirled around and saw her brother standing there in his costume. "Hey, Rodney. Feeling better?" she asked. He said nothing. "Not very talkative tonight, are you, Rodney?" Mr. Rockwell asked, handing out candy to each of them. He stopped when he got to Rodney, who apparently had no trick-or-treat bag. "Hey, where are you keeping your candy, boy? In your pants?" he asked good-naturedly. Rodney said nothing. "Oh well, I guess you're not feeling much better after all. Maybe you'd be better off inside, getting lots of rest," he said, and shut the door. They walked down the road, a strange procession of a pirate, an alien/bug, a ghost, two witches, and Death. "What's up, Rodney?" the ghost, Larry, asked. "You're not in the mood for candy tonight?" Rodney raised his scythe back over his head threateningly. Larry laughed nervously. "Haha, well, try not to hurt yourself." His expression changed from concern to worry to fear to out right terror in the space of a few seconds as Rodney swung his scythe with all his might. The blade connected with Larry's throat, cutting through his vocal cords and spinal cord, spilling blood across the pavement and scythe blade. Jessica and Beth screamed, Billy and Andy looking on in open-mouthed silent horror as Larry's head hit the cement with a wet smack. "Rodney!" Billy screamed, backing away. Rodney turned from Larry's decapitated body to Billy. He advanced, holding the scythe high above his head. "Hey, come on, man, this isn't funny!" he shouted, his last words as the scythe came slashing through his body, cutting it vertically in half. Well, almost. The blade got stuck about halfway through the cut, and Rodney had to place a foot on Billy's waist to yank the scythe out. Billy was making funny gurgling sounds as his blood spewed out onto the sidewalk and grass. Beth grabbed Jessica's hand and ran away, but Andy was paralyzed with fear. Rodney walked towards him, slowly, casually. "What's wrong with you?" Andy asked, and Rodney slashed through him horizontally, sending his torso crashing to the ground on top of his legs. "You're not you," Andy's upper half croaked, his last words before he slipped into the sweet relief of death. Jessica and Beth burst into the house. They were greeted with a grisly scene: pieces of Rodney were strewn about the living room, blood coating the walls, the furniture, the floor, even the ceiling. A meaty chunk of flesh slid sickly down the wall. "But..." Jessica breathed. "We just saw Rodney...Didn't we?" The living room door flew open, letting in a gust of wind and good old Death himself, bloody scythe in his hands. Jessica cast a glance to the ground, and realized with no real surprise that there were no feet there. The costume was floating. Beth turned towards Jessica as the thing slowly advanced, stepping through the puddles of Rodney's blood. "You or me," she said softly, and pushed Jessica towards the thing while running in the opposite direction, towards the back door. She heard a sickening squelching noise and opened the door in a hurry, escaping out into the cool black night. Death, like a shadow, was never far behind, and caught up with her eventually. It now lies dormant, waiting for one so foolish as to awaken it. You should look for it at your local costume shop. soz its so long hello again for you that are wunderin this was a mixed thing i made parts of it up and some bits i took from other stories you can find on the internet and your local library

Is this the longest joke in the world? Lost in the Desert (Author unknown) So, there’s a man crawling through the desert. He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right. He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst. He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs. As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day. He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid. Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do. Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking. As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble - usually right before heat stroke. He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer - if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he’s drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out. He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway. Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that. He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the movements. After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going. After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town. He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it’s been too long since he started out. He walks through the sand. After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad. But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune. Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back up - he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees. While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts. He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough. Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it’s dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He’s going to have to go down there and look. He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he’s in trouble - he’s not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling. He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just imagined it. So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance. He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling. Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he’s no longer on sand - he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area. His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface. Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone. He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what’s in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling. It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?” He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time. Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle. And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him. He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going to be able to move from this spot. Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes. Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of snake bite after all. He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the center here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t biting. He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out. He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now. He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is there anyone here?” He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?” He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help. “Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you help me?” Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very well. Coming up.” A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him. He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake. “It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up - it’s the snake talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he’s not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more - at all! “Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?” “Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.” “You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?” “No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works - it’s what I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.” The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst. “I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.” “Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little. “That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs. “But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously. “By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me ‘Snake’. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening.” The snake give his rattle a little shake. “Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack Samson. “Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?” “That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but ‘any more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You’ve been changed. “For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin. “As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can’t tell you.” “Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but you’d have to kill me?” “I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious. “Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. “So, what is this ‘Bound by Secrecy’ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?” “They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?” “Yeah, they do,” said Jack. “I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence. Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?” Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back. “Umm, well, ok,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?” “Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.” Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him. “Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.” “Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right? Because that’s not really a change to me?” “Right,” nodded Nate. “Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked, hopefully. “That takes two requests, Jack.” “Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?” “Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.” “Hmmm,” said Jack. “Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?” “Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d shrug, if he had shoulders. “Ok, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?” “No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that’s how it works - the poison, you know,” Nate said apologetically. Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it’s fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. “Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?” Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food? Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate… Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans… Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. “I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn’t have to hoodwink me like that.” “I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate, confidently. “You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.” “Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my calf or something instead?” “More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.” “Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,” answered Jack. “Ok,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?” “Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about food.” “We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,” answered Nate. “Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours. “I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to. “Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn - I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.” “Ok,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you start looking at me as food. Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.” Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically. “Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose. Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving. Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky. Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh! Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m eventually going to have to head back - I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I’m not sure I’ll want to.” “It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.” Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?” “Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a ‘tree’, offering ‘temptations’, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.” “Garden of Eden, hunh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here, Nate?” “No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it’s been thousands of years, at least.” “So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack. “Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals.” “Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack. “Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since. “What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?” “Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way. “You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate. “Why not?” asked Jack. “I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate. “Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d push it that way, and it would move in the slot.” “Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate. “What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world?” “Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned. Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?” “Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?” Nate continued to grin. “A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?” “Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I started here.” “Rules? What rules?” asked Jack. “The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained Nate. Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity?” “Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?” “Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it?” “Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.” “Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?” “Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more. Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?” “That seems to be it,” agreed Nate. “What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?” “Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know.” “But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up?” protested Jack. Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack.” Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail. Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?” “Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.” “Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?” “Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.” “What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack. “He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate. “Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?” “I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack.” “Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while. Nate watched him, waiting. “Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for with his third request?” Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.” “Ok,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, “give it to me. Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?” “Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?” “He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.” “Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up. Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both. “You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position. “Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice. “And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?” “Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it. Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just Kidding!” right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock. Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten. Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake. Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around. “Nate, do accidents count?” Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?” Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?” “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some amusement. A little later - “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked Jack. “That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate. “No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?” “Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.” “Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky. “Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?” asked Jack. “Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.” “Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?” “He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding somewhat sad. Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight. Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway. “His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.” “And then he just died?” asked Jack. Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite. After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had. After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.” Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep. Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat. So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily. Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it. Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate. Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions. Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first. Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite. After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year. After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he ‘d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school. Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings. But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally. On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited. After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.” Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy? “No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!” Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever. “Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake. “Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?” Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been. “He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?” Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more. Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight. Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.” Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?” Nate shook his head. “No, Jack - you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out - I’m bound here - there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.” Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?” Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request. “I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me. “I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword. Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me. “You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack. “Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.” Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.” Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general. When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances. So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate. When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert. When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark. As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight. Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert. Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving. As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side. Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster. Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity. Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away. Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right. The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side. Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing. Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake. THE END (No one said it was the longest FUNNY joke in the world)

What do you think of my Story... Twilight Saga knock-off. Other writers please read.? P.S... i do not intend on getting this story published. i am writing it solely for my personal pleasure. ps... i know that no one is likely to do this, but PLEASE don't steal my story. thank you again. :)